Chapter 9

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence (E.Q)

l   High IQ is a poor predictor of success in life.

l   Goleman IQ contributes at most 20% of the factors leading to success in life.

l   The other 80% comes from emotional intelligence.


Gardners description

l   1. Leadership skills

l   2. The ability to make friends and nurture relationships.

l   3. The ability to resolve conflicts.

l   4. Emotional perceptiveness

Golemans categories

l   1. Self-awareness knowing your own emotions, self-insight and knowing your own needs.

l   2. Managing your emotions mastering stress, controlling anger overcoming depression and anxiety etc.

l   3. Self-motivation perseverance, delay of gratification, staying focused on tasks.


l   4. Perceptiveness recognizing the emotions of others and also the effect of your behavior on others, EMPATHY, recognizing nonverbal cues.

l   5. Handling relationships listening skills, conversational skills, conflict resolution, appropriate assertiveness.

From Independence to Interdependence

l    Interdependence the relationship when two or more independent individuals decide to work together to achieve a common goal. Working as a team to satisfy mutual interests. (synergy) Involves mutual respect and a workable division of labor. Requires independence first.

l    Co-dependency dependency in a relationship based on the fear that one could not survive alone. Situations are often manipulated to keep the other person dependent on one.

The Win-Win Frame

l   Finding a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved, going beyond mere compromise to find solutions that allow everyone to meet their goals.

l   Research (prisoners dilemma) clearly shows cooperation leads to greater success than does win-lose competition.


l   Win-Lose or Lose-Win

l   Lose-Lose

l   Win-Win or no deal

Barriers to Win-Win

l   People dont know about that method

l   Anger or resentment

l   Require cooperation of the other person

l   Effective people look for win-win situations and solutions.

Attitudes for Win-Win

l   Trust through the emotional bank account

l   Behaviors that build trust and make positive contributions to the emotional bank account

l   Understand the Individual

l   Attend to the little things

l   Keep Your Commitments

l   Clarify Your Expectations

l   Show Personal Integrity

l   Apologize Sincerely When you are Wrong


l   Giving Up Being Right

l   Effective people would rather be happy than right.

l   If involved in an interpersonal struggle ask yourself, Would I rather be right or happy?

l   Not taking the right position doesnt mean you are wrong!


l   Stepping Into the Shoes of The Other

l   Try to see the world through the eyes of the other person

When Not To Try For Win-Win

l   Consider giving in to the other person and accepting a lose-win outcome when

l   You discover you are wrong

l   The issue is very important to the other person and not important to you

l   Other people need to learn a valuable lesson by making a mistake

l   The long term cost of winning out weighs the short term gain of it.


l   Consider a compromise when

l   Sufficient time does not exist to craft a win-win solution.

l   The issue is not important enough to spend time in further negotiation.

l   The other person is definitely not open to win-win.


l   Consider competing and going for a win-lose outcome when

l   The issue is very important to you, the other person is certain to take advantage of you if you approach the situation in a noncompetitive fashion, and you are really not concerned with a long term relationship.



l   Consider cooperation and trying for a win-win outcome when

l   The issue is too vital to settle for a compromise.

l   A long term relationship is at stake or in jeopardy.

l   The other person is willing to cooperate.

Conflict Resolution

l   Acknowledge/Identify the Problem

l   Agree on a Date and a Procedure

l   Describe Your Problem and Your Needs

l   Seriously consider the Other Partys Point of View

l   Explore Possible Solutions

l   Evaluate and Negotiate

l   Enact the Solution and Follow-Up


The Nature of Anger

l   Stress leads to an increase in anger

l   Anger is adaptive for survival

l   It must be modulated in the modern world

l   The frustration-aggression hypothesis

l   Catharsis

l   Modeling

Factors in Violence

l    A previous history of violence

l    Having been physically abused in childhood

l    Having witnessed violence in the home as a child

l    A history of harming animals as a child

l    Heavy exposure to violent TV and video games

l    Absence of remorse over hurting others

l    Family history of mental illness or violence

l    Brain damage



Physiology of Anger

l    Amygdyla part of the brain controlling emotionality, particularly anger.

l    Neocortex part of the brain involved in higher level reasoning and planning.

l    Amygdala can trigger the flight/fight response in reaction to perceived danger, bypassing the neocortex.

l    When in a heightened state of arousal from this it is easier for later situations to trigger more arousal (anger) even trivial situations.

Attribution and Anger

l   Labeling the feelings of arousal determines what we end up consciously experiencing.

l   Schacter and Singer (1962) demonstrated attribution theory, which states that how e label our emotions is based on our internal and external environments.


Anger and Type A Personality

l   The general Type A characteristics of being hard driving and competitive etc. are not bad for health if anger and hostility is not present also.

l   Brooding resentment, suspicion, and frequent angry outbursts are very damaging to health.

l   Cathartic expression of anger often reinforces rather than diminishes it.

Learning to Control Anger

l    Become self-aware, cultivate the witnessing stance.

l    Interrupt angry thoughts. (thought stopping)

l    Cultivate empathy.

l    Learn to laugh at yourself.

l    Practice active relaxation techniques.

l    Improve your listening skills.

l    Take the risk to trust others.

l    Practice the art of forgiving others.


Reframing to Reduce Anger

l   Look for comedy.

l   The Grand Drama viewpoint.

l   A Chapter in Your Life.

l   Viewing Criticism as Feedback.



l   Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened or condoning what happened that you disagree with.

l   It is the letting go of the energy invested in past hurts or disappointments that is negatively affecting your well-being.

l   Chinese proverb, When setting forth on a mission of revenge, first dig two graves.


l  Ultimately, Forgiveness is more for your own well-being than for others!!!