The Power of Love
How does our love life shape us--mind, body and soul? Let us count the ways
By Jeffrey Kluger
One thing you can say about lust, it sure shows up early.
Talk all you want about the honey-sweet face of an innocent newborn, the fact
is, from the moment we appear in the world, we're not much more than squalling
balls of passion. Our needs aren't many: to sleep, to eat, to be held, to be
changed. Satisfy these, and there won't be any trouble. Fail to, and you will
hear about it.
Of all the urges that drive us, it's the passion to be held
that makes itself known first. If a baby is startled
fresh from the womb, German pediatrician Ernst Moro discovered in 1918, its
arms will fly up and out, then come together in a desperate clutch. Holding is
good, and floating free is bad—a lesson that's not so much learned after birth
as preloaded at the factory. In fact, doctors have long known that babies who
aren't held simply fail to thrive. Not surprisingly, it's a need we never
outgrow. In one way or another, we spend the rest of our lives in a sort of
sustained Moro clinch.
Physical contact—the feeling of skin on skin, the tickle of
hair on face, the intimate scent drawn in by nose pressed to neck—is one of the
most precious, priceless things Homo sapiens can offer one another. Mothers and
their babies share it one way, friends and siblings share it another, teams and
crowds in a celebratory scrum share it a third. And of course lovers share it in
the most complex way of all.
Of all the splendidly ridiculous, transcendently fulfilling
things humans do, it's sex—with its countless
permutations of practices and partners—that most confounds understanding. What
in the world are we doing? Why in the world are we so consumed by it? The
impulse to procreate may lie at the heart of sex, but like the impulse to
nourish ourselves, it is merely the starting point for an astonishingly varied
banquet. Bursting from our sexual center is a whole spangle of other things—art,
song, romance, obsession, rapture, sorrow, companionship, love, even violence
and criminality—all playing an enormous role in everything from our physical
health to our emotional health to our politics, our communities, our very life
spans.
Why should this be so? Did nature simply overload us in the
mating department, hot-wiring us for the sex that is so central to the survival
of the species, and never mind the sometimes sloppy consequences? Or is there
something smarter and subtler at work, some larger interplay among sexuality,
life and what it means to be human? Can evolution program for poetry, or does
it simply want children?
If there's indeed much more than babies involved in the
reasons for sex, we're clearly not the first species to benefit from that fact.
Even among the nonhuman orders, sex appears to be regularly practiced for a
whole range of nonreproductive reasons with a wide
range of community-building benefits. How else to explain the fact that
homosexual behavior occurs in more than 450 species? How else to explain
kissing among bonobos, nuzzling among zebras, literal
necking among male giraffes? How else to explain the fact that some sexually
active animals seem to avoid reproduction quite deliberately, mating at times
that are unlikely to produce young or picking partners that are unable to do
so? From 80% to 95% of a species of sea lion rarely or never reproduce, though
they continue to couple. And so of course do many of us, chasing sex as
passionately as the most prolific of breeders.
"How many times in your life do you think about being
sexual," asks clinical psychologist Joanne Marrow of
So what gives? And don't say simply that sex is fun. So are
gardening and traveling and going to the movies, but when was the last time you
woke up in the middle of the night with your heart pounding and your breath
catching because of a dream you were having about a trip to
Part of what makes touch—and by extension, sex—such a
central part of the species software is that hedonism simply makes good
Darwinian sense. It's not for nothing that hot stoves hurt and caresses feel
nice, and we learn early on to distinguish between the two. "All creatures
do things that feel good and avoid things that feel bad," says J. Gayle
Beck, professor of psychology at the
But mastering even so basic an idea can be a slow process,
often too slow when survival is on the line. And so nature provides us with a
head start. Before we have a chance to practice our first little Moro
grab—before we leave the womb, in fact—our pleasure engine is humming.
"Little boys can have erections from the day they're born, sometimes even
in utero," says Marrow. "Both sexes get
pleasure from touching themselves without having to be taught."
Once we're in the world, both nature and experience
reinforce that need for physical contact, turning us into full-blown tactile
bacchanalians. Nursing alone is a powerful reinforcer.
The mechanics of animal nursing can be a utilitarian business, with
wobbly-legged newborns standing up to drink from Mom as if she were a spigot.
Human nursing, by contrast, requires flesh-on-flesh cuddling. What's more, a
mother's metabolism ensures that this contact occurs more or less all day long.
Anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy,
professor emeritus at the
The whole-body rapture found in Mom's arms lasts only
through infancy, but children become expert at seeking the same security as
they grow older, and good parents have a sixth sense about what the priorities
are. A wailing child with a cut knee gets a long hug first, even though it's
the bleeding wound that needs attention. In uncounted thousands of such tactile
transactions, kids learn to use touch as a means of connection at least as
expressive as—and certainly more satisfying than—anything so detached as
speech. With the pump thus primed, they are ready for the next, exponentially
bigger step: the moment, at age 12 or so, when the glands engage, the hormones
flow and a childhood of simple physicality becomes a lifetime of sexuality.
From the moment the bodies of boys and girls are able to
conceive, nature is very clear that it wants these mere babies to go about
making babies of their own, and so it makes the impulse almost irresistible.
There's a reason for the fabled sexual stamina of teens: the more frequent the
pairings, the more likely the offspring. What's more, the pleasure of sex can
often lead to long-term bonding, something else nature wants if babies and
children—with their long years of dependency—are going to survive into
adulthood.
But even at this unsophisticated stage of sexual
maturation, there's more going on in kids than simply developing an exquisite
reproductive itch and learning the wonderful ways it can be scratched.
"More and more in our field, we don't even talk about sex anymore,"
says anthropologist Gil Herdt, director of the
Program in Human Sexuality Studies at
Marrow agrees and takes the notion even further with the
belief that human sexuality is a form of communication as much as it is of
procreation. Nearly all creative acts are at least in part communicative. Songs
are written to be sung to somebody else; pictures are painted to be hung for somebody
else. Is it any surprise that sex—an act infinitely more intimate than any type
of art—is also a creative way of communicating complex ideas and deep feelings?
"The biologists think the biology comes first," Marrow says. "I
think consciousness is the first part of sex, and exploring that consciousness
with another person is one of its purposes." If Marrow is right, it's no
wonder that poetry and music are often included in the business of romance, if
only to make that message richer.
Of course, artistry—even something as small as a
well-chosen greeting card or a romantic setting for dinner—may open the sexual
door, but something else must keep it from closing again. What sustains a
physical relationship after the early romantic rounds end is something more
nuanced than seduction and more enduring than passion. Often it's something as
wonderfully ordinary as stability. Partners who maintain a robust sex life are
simply more likely to remain partners than those who don't, something almost
any couple knew long before the sex researchers thought to quantify it. If it
is hard to be physical with a mate you've stopped loving, it can be equally
hard to get to that cold point with a person with whom you still share the
intimacy, exclusivity and, especially, vulnerability of sex. This is
particularly true as the intoxication of a new relationship begins to fade and
partners start to notice flaws they were too romantically tipsy to see before.
Not only does the relationship
benefit from a steady sex life, but so can the physical and emotional health of
the partners themselves. Research suggests that married people may live longer
than singles, that happily marrieds
do best of all, and that couples who remain at least somewhat sexual,
even into their dotage, report a better level of satisfaction both with their
relationships and with their lives as a whole. Certainly, it's hard to say if
people who start off happy and satisfied simply have more sex or if it's the
sex that makes them happy and satisfied. Whatever the answer, it's clear that
human beings would not be fully Homo sapiens—at least not as we've come to
understand ourselves—without the great, mysterious, preposterous pageant of our
sexuality.
The Chemistry of Desire Eight years ago, after she had a hysterectomy at age 42,
Roslyn Then several years later It's tempting to conclude that Procter & Gamble,
manufacturer of the testosterone patch, had found the elusive chemical key to
female desire. The study, published in 2000 in the New England Journal of
Medicine, reported that many of the women who, like This finding illustrates the promise and the perplexity
of research into the biology of human sexuality, where mind, body and
experience are endlessly intermingled. People find themselves turned on in
obvious situations—slow-dancing together, seeing someone with a sexy body,
finding a member of the opposite or same gender to be excitingly sharp-witted
or funny. But carnal longings strike at surprising times too—in the wake of a
victory by your favorite team (for men, anyway) or at times of fear or even
after a tragedy, like the death of a parent. No matter how lust is triggered, though, sex, like eating
or sleeping, is ultimately biochemical, governed by hormones,
neurotransmitters and other substances that interact in complicated ways to
create the familiar sensations of desire, arousal, orgasm. By understanding
how that happens, scientists should in principle be able to help people like
Washington for whom sex just isn't working. And indeed, over the past decade
or two, scientists have identified many of the pieces of this complex puzzle.
It clearly involves testosterone, along with other hormones, including
estrogen and oxytocin, and brain chemicals such as
dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. And there
are numerous other bodily chemicals that turn us on, ranging from the
commonplace, nitric oxide, to the obscure, vasoactive
intestinal polypeptide. Scientists have also learned that the old notion that 90%
of sex is in the mind is literally true: the parts of the brain involved in
sexual response include, at the very least, the sensory vagus
nerves, the midbrain reticular formation, the basal ganglia, the anterior insula cortex, the amygdala,
the cerebellum and the hypothalamus. If all this sounds complicated, it is. Researchers are
still struggling to understand how these pieces fit together and how they
might be different for men and women. It's not clear which chemicals of
desire are unleashed and under which circumstances, because setting and mood,
as women know better than men, can make all the difference between arousal
and annoyance. Nevertheless, scientists are light-years ahead of where
they were in the 1920s and '30s, when estrogen and testosterone were first
identified, and they know a great deal more than they did in the 1940s, when
Alfred Kinsey, followed by the research team of William Masters and Virginia
Johnson in the 1960s, published some of the first scholarly studies of human
sexuality. Those studies concluded that sexual response proceeds in distinct
stages, beginning with excitement—erection in men, engorgement of vaginal and
clitoral tissue in women—proceeding to orgasm and finally to
"resolution," in which tissues return to their normal state. They didn't delve into biochemistry, though, and it turns
out they probably didn't get the stages right either. In the 1970s
psychiatrist Helen Singer Kaplan, who founded the Human Sexuality Program at
New York Weill Cornell Medical Center, pointed out
that before you get physically aroused, you have to feel sexual desire—a
statement that seems pretty obvious. It's also pretty obvious to anyone who
has been in a heterosexual relationship that men and women tend to experience
sexuality somewhat differently. So where Masters and Johnson saw sexual
arousal as a linear progression toward orgasm, researchers like Dr. Rosemary Basson of the Stimulation, moreover, can take all sorts of forms. Says
Dr. Jennifer Berman, a urologist and director of the
But the reasons for that difference may be as much
cultural as they are physiological. Dr. Julia Heiman,
a psychologist and director of the Reproductive and Sexual Medicine Clinic at
the University of Washington Medical School, is one of a growing number of
researchers who think it's misguided to see men as simple and linear and
women as complex and circular. "I don't think we've taken the time to
talk to men about what desire is," she says. "If they are emotional
about their sexuality, they don't feel in step with other men." Women who don't fit stereotypes don't fare much better,
says Jim Pfaus, a psychologist at Research by Meredith Chivers at
the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, affiliated with the But while arousal and desire are intimately intertwined
and probably involve all sorts of feedback between brain and genitalia that
have yet to be untangled, at least some of the underlying biochemistry is
becoming clear. Here is a catalog of some of the key chemicals of love: —LETTING IT FLOW Desire is complicated. Arousal, by contrast, is pretty
straightforward: fill the penile arteries with blood or divert blood to the
vagina and clitoris, and you're there. "Once
the brain gets turned on—however it gets turned on—it's a relatively simple
concept to increase blood flow," says Dr. Alan Altman, a specialist in
menopause and sexuality at But the primary chemical in charge of that function is
nitric oxide. It's a vascular traffic cop, activating the muscles that
control the expansion and contraction of blood vessels. If the mind is in the
mood—or when you pop a nitric-oxide-boosting drug such as Viagra or Levitra—the body responds. Men tend to be more focused on
genital stimulation than women, so they are more likely to perceive an
increased blood flow to the genitals as arousal, while women may be unaware
of it. That may be one reason why trials of Viagra on women have been
disappointing. —FUELS FOR LUST If there's one substance that ultimately makes it
possible to get turned on in the first place, testosterone is probably it.
"When testosterone is gone," says UCLA's Berman, "for whatever
reason—aging, medication—men experience erection and libido problems."
Restore the testosterone, and you usually fix those problems. Women too seem to have problems getting interested in sex
when their testosterone levels are too low, which is why Procter & Gamble
is experimenting with testosterone patches. Says Altman: "When women are
having normal menstrual cycles in their prime reproductive ages, their
ovaries make two times more testosterone than estrogen." A few days
before ovulation, triggered by surging levels of testosterone—along with
other hormones including progesterone and estrogen—sexual desire peaks,
according to new research by Martha McClintock of the But for women, at least, estrogen may also be crucial.
"Give estrogen to women with decreased desire," says Pfaus, "and you don't restore desire. Give them
testosterone alone, and you get a little increase in desire. Give them
estrogen and testosterone together, and you get a whopping increase."
Why? Some research suggests that testosterone's role in women is
diversionary: it attaches to so-called steroid-binding globulins in the blood
that would otherwise latch onto estrogen molecules and render them inert. The
testosterone is taken away to the liver, while the estrogen is free to make a
lust-inducing dash for the brain. Pfaus argues further that estrogen may be the ultimate love
hormone for men as well. "A lot of studies on rats and birds," he
says, "show that brains are like giant ovaries, in the sense that
testosterone and other androgens are converted into estrogens in the
hypothalamus. And this conversion appears to be critical to the expression of
male sexual behavior." —THE FEEL-GOOD CHEMICAL Both testosterone and estrogen trigger desire by
stimulating the release of neurotransmitters in the brain. These chemicals
are ultimately responsible for our moods, emotions and attitudes. And the
most important of these for the feeling we call desire seems to be dopamine.
Dopamine is at least partly responsible for making external stimuli arousing
(among other things, it's thought to be the pleasure-triggering substance
underlying drug addiction). "Being low on dopamine," says the
University of Washington Medical School's Heiman,
"correlates with being low on desire." And in men
dopamine-enhancing drugs (including some antidepressants and anti-Parkinson's
medications) can increase desire and erections. So can apomorphine,
a Parkinson's drug that latches directly onto the dopamine receptors in brain
cells and turns them on. Another neurotransmitter almost certainly involved in the
biochemistry of desire is serotonin, which, like dopamine, plays a role in
feelings of satisfaction. Antidepressants like Prozac, which enhance mood by
keeping serotonin in circulation longer than usual, can paradoxically depress
the ability to achieve orgasm. But "dopamine and serotonin," says Heiman, "appear to interact with each other in a
complicated way to impact desire." So, researchers suspect, do the neurotransmitters
epinephrine and norepinephrine, whose usual job is
to pump up our energy when we're in danger. Blood-plasma levels of both
chemicals increase during masturbation, peak at orgasm and then decline, and
by-products of norepinephrine metabolism remain
elevated for up to 23 hours after sex. It's not yet clear,
though, whether this is a cause or an effect of arousal. —THE CUDDLE HORMONE Endocrinologists have known for years that oxytocin, released by the pituitary gland, ovaries and
testes, helps trigger childbirth contractions, milk production during nursing
and the pelvic shudders women experience during orgasm (and possibly the
contractions during male orgasm as well). The hormone is believed to play a
vital role in mother-child bonding and may do the same for new fathers: oxytocin surges when a new dad holds his bundle of joy.
Some researchers also think of oxytocin as a cuddle
chemical. Preliminary studies by psychiatrist Kathleen Light at the But there's increasing evidence that oxytocin
is also involved in deeper bonding. It certainly plays that role in a much
studied little rodent called the prairie vole, which is famous for its
fidelity to its mate. The critter's brain releases a rush of oxytocin as it bonds with its beloved. Block the
chemical, and voles fail to make a connection. Inject more of the hormone,
and they fall for each other even faster. A similar kind of imprinting might take place in humans.
"Oxytocin release may help us bond to certain
features in our partners," says Pfaus.
"It's probably part of the mechanism that generates the template of what
we find attractive." The next time you see your partner or someone like
your partner, he theorizes, "the oxytocin is
activated. It doesn't mean you have to be aroused. You just think, God, what
a beautiful woman"—which might explain why we're attracted to the same
type over and over. —ATTRACTIVE AROMAS? Probably the most controversial issue in the chemistry of
sexuality is the role of pheromones. In 1971 the Because menstrual cycles and sexuality are part of an
overall system, it's possible that pheromones could trigger desire. Perfumemakers that market pheromone-based scents have
latched onto this notion. It's plausible, says Altman, "but I don't
think the science is very good on it." Pfaus
agrees: "I hope it's true. Totally on faith, I believe it. The problem
is that the scientist in me says, 'O.K., but what are these
pheromones, and who has shown it?'" —A DOUBLE SHOT OF LOVE A newly identified substance that has captured Pfaus's interest is alpha melanocyte
polypeptide, also known as melanocyte-stimulating
hormone (MSH). In clinical trials, this pituitary hormone had the dual effect
of giving men erections and heightening their interest in sex. Pfaus is studying a synthetic version for Palatin Technologies of Cranbury, N.J., which is
developing it as a nasal spray. "It's astonishing that you have a little
peptide that has such a big, specific effect," he says. It interacts
with dopamine, but how, precisely? "We don't know," he says. Like all substances that promise to increase desire and
performance, whether they are prescription drugs or folk aphrodisiacs sold
next to the cash register at the quick-stop store, MSH is tough to
investigate because of the placebo effect. As Procter & Gamble discovered
with its testosterone-patch study, arousal and desire are so entangled with
one's state of mind that it's tough to figure out cause and effect. Says
Altman: "If you're in a tribal society and taught that something is an
aphrodisiac, it probably will be. But someone in Maybe that's just as well. For those who suffer from a
lack of interest in sex, like Roslyn — Reported by Sonja Steptoe/ |
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The Marriage Savers The cynic Ambrose Bierce defined love as "a
temporary insanity, curable by marriage." It's truer to say the first
blush of love is a vacation from reality; marriage is the job you return to.
You may like your job, even love it. But you have to work to keep it. In modern Yet how many were helped? The growth of the
marriage-industrial complex has not done much to slow the national divorce
epidemic. In 1965 the divorce rate was 2.5 per 1,000 people; it reached a
high in 1979 and 1981, with 5.3 per 1,000. Today the figure hovers at about
4.0, pretty much where it has been for five years. In some quarters, the
suspicion has lingered that the therapist's job is to validate a patient's
complaints and act as ministers in reverse, putting couples asunder.
"The idea of therapist neutrality often came down to support for
breaking up," says William Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family
Therapy Program at the Lately, however, a new breed of therapist and
"marriage educator" is shaking up the profession. These therapists
reject the passive, old-style therapies that emphasize personal growth over
shared commitment and take a more aggressive, hands-around-the-neck approach
to saving marriages. "They feel therapists have been too quick in
calling an end to relationships and having people move on," says The new, pro-marriage generation "is young, far more
conservative and more religious" than traditional therapists, says
Doherty, author of Take Back Your Marriage. "This generation has seen
the fruits of the divorce revolution. And they don't think they have to be
value-neutral about it." They also tend to be pragmatists. Many of them
favor short-term, low-cost interventions based on methods with a record of
proved success. These qualities have drawn the support of religious
leaders and conservative politicians, including First Husband George W. Bush,
who would like to make marriage education for young couples
part of welfare reform. "This is a social movement," says Doherty,
"that involves government, church, professional and lay people."
How do these therapies and lessons in connection work? A look at some methods
of the movement: --GOING TO "PREP" SCHOOL Prep, short for prevention and relationship Enhancement
Program, aims to be the industry leader in research-based couples education.
Its tenets, which emphasize structured communication, are ingredients in a
variety of programs for teens, pre-marrieds and
long-marrieds. Rod Grimm Lewis and his wife Victoria paid $400 to attend
a two-day PREP seminar in Positive communication, like Sadoff's
comment, is the backbone of PREP, developed in the 1980s by psychologists
Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, co-directors of
the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the Sadoff, a clinical social worker trained in PREP, explains the
method to the Lewises and a younger couple sharing
the session. They are to agree to set aside a time each week to talk over their
problems. These discussions must follow certain rules, which can be posted on
the refrigerator door. "The word I is allowed," Sadoff
says. "You is not." The partners take
turns talking, without interruption. The speaker makes brief statements,
which the listener must paraphrase to show he understands what was said.
There are also time-outs, which allow one partner to leave the room for an
emotional break. That's a scary notion for Victoria, who says that since
childhood she has never felt she could leave a heated discussion without
repercussions. "Where would I go?" Rod and Six months after the first session--and despite follow-up
therapy with Sadoff--problems linger. "We
tried, but the techniques just don't take care of the deeper issues,"
says Rod, who is thinking of ending the marriage. "The future of our
relationship doesn't look good." But many evaluators award PREP high marks. While two
studies did not find it more effective than other methods, two others,
involving a total of 210 couples, found that those who take PREP, either
before marriage or after, have lower rates of breakup and divorce than
couples who took a different training class or did nothing. Also, seven
studies involving about 500 couples concluded that PREP participants had less
negative communication for up to five years after the course. Men are
particularly partial to the method. Such results have made PREP popular around the world and
in a wide range of settings, including PREP techniques helped them do that while improving their
own communication. John's parents, says Shelitha,
"were having trouble letting go. Our talk revealed some things about how
they feel about seeing their children grow up and live on their own. Now all
four of us are using PREP methods." The religious aspect of the program
was important to the couple. "We make the word of God part of the
foundation of our marriage," says John. "In terms of communicating,
it shows up in principles about being honest with your partner about everything.
When a difficult problem comes up, you shouldn't hide." --LESSONS FROM THE LOVE LAB Heinrich Heine called marriage
"the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented." John Gottman figures he has found the compass. At the Gottman Institute in Gottman, a clinical psychologist, has essentially distilled the
art of love and war--a.k.a. marriage--into a kind of science. After 30 years
of such studies inside his physiology lab, nicknamed the Love Lab, Gottman's group has developed a model that he claims can
assess whether a couple are on a path to dysfunction. Now when Gottman wires up therapy clients and videotapes them,
"in the first three minutes of the conflict discussion," he says,
"we can predict if a couple is going to divorce." He and research
partner Robert Levenson of the Conflict is endemic in a relationship, Gottman says, but adds--with peculiar precision--that
"only 31% of conflicts get resolved over the course of a marriage. The
other 69% are perpetual, unsolvable problems." His insight: don't bother
trying to fix the unfixable. Spend your energy on selecting a mate with whom
you can manage those inevitable annoyances, then
learn how to manage them. To admit some problems can't be solved is the first
step toward finding a larger solution. Says Gottman:
"We try to build up the couple's friendship, their ability to repair
conflict and to deal with their gridlock." The Gottman technique usually
involves a $495 two-day workshop, followed by nine private therapy sessions costing
$1,260, which Gottman recommends as a supplement.
These attempt to conquer the four most common, corrosive negative factors in
unstable unions: criticism (You never ... You always ... ),
defensiveness (Who me? I'm not defensive), contempt (You're too stupid to
realize how defensive you are) and stonewalling (I'll just let it blow over).
Gottman says 85% of stonewallers
are men. Gottman fiercely protects the privacy of his patients and does
not provide names of couples to be interviewed. He says his five-year
follow-up study shows that after one year, about 75% of the treated couples
are happier, "[though] we haven't been able to help the other 25% calm
down. They stay irritable, cranky and contemptuous." --LET'S GET SCHNARCHED! That cranky quarter of the peace-seeking married
contingent may find a sympathetic soul in David Schnarch,
author of the book Passionate Marriage and creator of the Crucible Approach
to marital therapy, which upends nearly all the conventional tenets of
couples counseling. He says he is the therapist of last resort for many
couples who go to his Marriage and Schnarch argues that the main issue for most troubled couples
"isn't their lack of communication skills. If spouses aren't talking to
each other, they are still communicating. They each know they don't want to
hear what the other has to say. But communication is no virtue if you can't
stand the message. We help people to stand the message." He says couples
don't get that from conventional therapy, which tends to pathologize
relationships rather than work with their strengths. In the Crucible system,
"we don't treat people like they're sick. We speak to the best in
people, not their weaknesses. We're about developing resilience and standing
up for yourself." People in a troubled marriage
say they have grown apart. Schnarch says it's the
opposite. "They're usually locked together, emotionally fused. More
attachment doesn't make people happier, and it kills sex." Schnarch uses the word crucible in two senses: metallurgical (a
strong cauldron) and metaphorical (a test or trial). Both definitions can
aptly describe the state of marriage. So in his therapy it's out with the
elevator-music approach to saving marriages, in with the hard rock and harsh
truths. Dare to tear apart the fuzzy, flabby, ego-suppressing dual
personality that is your marriage and find your inner you. That effort will
create a stronger individual, one who can deal with a partner with more
integrity and authenticity. Ken Wapman, 45, manager at a
Bay Area software firm, and Margee, 45, a
therapist, had been married 18 years when they signed up for Schnarch's program in 2001. Busy with their jobs and
three kids, their marriage was somewhere between O.K. and icky. "The
relationship was sustainable but not very satisfying," says Ken. And
their sex life, he says, "was like your commute. You could practically
do it with your eyes closed"--er, don't a lot
of people do it that way?--"but you don't really look forward to
it." The Schnarch approach
immediately appealed to Ken. "I liked that he didn't pull any
punches," says Ken, who used to disagree with his wife and others just
for the sake of it. "I used to use more imperative-type language. Schnarch helped me to think about developing more
collaborative alliances." Working with Schnarch
after trying other therapists, says Ken, was like "jumping into a
Ferrari compared to driving a Toyota Celica." At first the Crucible was a bit searing for Margee. "He forces you to see things in yourself
that you haven't wanted to see. I used to think Ken's job was to take care of
me by knowing how I felt. That's an idea embedded in the culture." Now, Margee says, she has learned to take care of herself.
"I'm not dumping anything on him; I have worked my side of the issue. There
is less unresolved tension. As a result, I feel love and want to move toward
him." The benefits of the weekend (cost: $925) inspired Margee to want to follow up with the Schnarch
nine-day retreat ($2,400). Ken, less enthusiastic, offered a counterproposal.
"I cut a deal with her. I said I would go with her to the retreat if I
could go on a two-week bike trip in the French Alps." Sounds like Schnarchian self-differentiation in action. --MAKE AN EFT TURN ON RED Listen to enough marriage plaints, and you may conclude
that Tolstoy was wrong: unhappy families really are all alike. They argue
over sex, money, the kids, the lack of free time.
After five years of marriage, Tom, 39, and Suzanne, 35, sparred with
increasing frequency and rancor over the usual "spending" issues.
He thought she was spending too much money; she thought he wasn't spending
enough time with her and their two children. The counseling they tried didn't
help. "It just made the situation artificial," says Suzanne. She's
the verbal one; Tom, from a military family, is the strong, silent type.
"So when we would argue, he gets sort of blasted out of the water by me,
and he shuts down and shuts me out. It escalated to the point where he was,
like, 'I'm out of here.'" Hoping to break the pattern, they went last May to see
Douglas Tilley, a Modern life has overloaded marriage, says Johnson.
"Our sister no longer lives next door, our mother phones us once a
month, we're too busy at work to create lasting bonds there. So we're even
more dependent on our spouses than ever before." In a distressed
relationship, that bond is fraying. Typically, one person criticizes and
complains, while the other falls into a pattern of defending and withdrawing.
"The amazingly sad thing," says Johnson, speaking of the typical
pattern in couples, "is they love each other. The man loves his wife so
desperately that he has put up this huge wall because he's so terrified he's
going to hear that she's disappointed in him. Unless they can find a way into
a more secure bond, they'll split." To re-create a sense of connection between the couple,
the EFT therapist creates an environment in which both spouses feel safe
talking about their feelings, needs and fears. Like Suzanne and Tom, most
couples are pleasantly surprised to hear that the feelings behind apparently
hostile behavior are not rejection but a need to connect with their partner.
Without that emotional security, Johnson says, all the communication skills
in the world won't rebuild a relationship. "You can teach people
communication skills up the wazoo," she says,
"but if they're afraid of losing the person they depend on, they don't
use them." EFT is one of three approaches that the Society of
Clinical Psychology, a division of the American Psychological Association,
has found to be backed up by empirical research. Yet it hasn't become a mass
therapy in the EFT seems to have disarmed Suzanne and Tom. Suzanne knows
little about its theoretical bases--she calls it "EFT, EMF,
whatever"--but she likes the results. "Since we have been going to
therapy, Tom says a huge burden has been lifted off him. He's never talked
about this kind of stuff before in his life." He now spends much more
time with Suzanne and the children and less time with his buddies at the
sports bar. Twice a month the couple put the children to bed and have a
date--either at home, over a delicious dinner, or out at a restaurant.
"We're at the point where if we're having hard times," Suzanne
says, "it brings us together rather than apart." --BRING ON THE DIVORCE BUSTERS In a studio session to record a CD, David Roth, 39, a
Chicago-area sculptor turned singer-songwriter, was having trouble with the
part-time bass player--his wife Heidi Meredith. Both had grown up in broken
homes and hoped to avoid separation. But after more than a decade together,
they had devolved into chronic arguers: how to make the bed, how to make
music. "We were in this decaying orbit that was going to crash and burn,"
says Roth. Says Meredith, 39: "It was never a question of our not loving
each other. We would just completely butt heads, and then we would analyze it
to death. That just got us in deeper." Roth suggested they get help. Meredith, who in her day
job is a psychiatrist, was skeptical. "I can't tell you how many
patients I have seen who have also been in marital therapy for a year or
more," she says, "and all they do is scream
at each other." They booked sessions with Michele Weiner-Davis, author of
Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage, who practices in "Traditional approaches ask people to look at the
past and figure out why they're stuck," says Weiner-Davis, whose
graduate degree is in social work. "But that insight generally leads
people only to be experts in why they're having a problem--and novices in
what to do about it. People on the brink of divorce do not have the luxury of
time to take this journey backward. They need an instant injection of
hope." Weiner-Davis encourages a dose of what she calls "real
giving"--asking couples to realize what their partner needs in certain
situations and provide what he needs regardless of whether the giver
understands it. For example, if your spouse prefers to be alone when he's
upset, allow him quiet time, even if you prefer to talk when you're upset. Weiner-Davis' action-oriented scheme suited Roth and
Meredith. "It's really freeing to just focus on the solution and clear
out all the muck," says Meredith. Weiner-Davis encourages couples to
identify what they want the marriage to look like, then
list actions they can take--dinner out once a week, playing tennis or golf
together, help with the housework--to achieve those goals. "The concept
of real giving is so simple, but it really gets at the heart of how to make a
relationship work," says Meredith. The approach appeals equally to both sexes. If a guy can
be convinced that his marriage is like a rusty carburetor or a clogged
kitchen sink, he may be stirred to fix it. "I think men are hesitant to
go into therapy because they feel they're going to be targeted," Roth
says. "Michele's approach is pragmatic and practical. That's refreshing
for a lot of men." Some of Weiner-Davis' recipes earn hoots from others in
the fractious fraternity of couples therapists. Of her advice that troubled
couples should "just do it!"--have sex to
jump-start a passionless marriage--Schnarch
retorts, "Telling low-desire spouses to just do something just pisses
them off. Most couples seeking help are angry, and angry sex isn't very
generous. These people would rather poke each other's eyes out than stroke
each other's genitals." But she has plenty of satisfied customers--the Roth-Merediths, for two. They work (at their marriage) and
play (she's now his band's official bass player). And their son, 4, has
noticed the difference. When his parents fought, he used to throw things and
scream. Now he sees his parents hugging and delights in squishing himself in
to share the love. "I think it has improved the quality of his
life," says Roth. "There's a lot more laughter in our house." --CAN GOOD MARRIAGE BE TAUGHT? What if you could go to school instead of to a shrink?
That's the idea behind Marriage Education. "It's less expensive and more
effective than therapy," says Diane Sollee,
59, who gave up her marriage-therapy career to create the Coalition for
Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "The therapy model is 'I'll
treat you, and, voila, your marriage will work.' The education model is much
more respectful. It assumes there's nothing wrong with you--you're not sick.
You just need better information, and it assumes you can apply it to your
situation. It's also not a long-term process." Every system sounds great--until you ask other marriage
specialists about it. "To say therapy isn't working is absolutely
wrong," Gottman insists. "These
psycho-education interventions are powerful; you have to be careful about
applying them. Currently, people in the marriage movement aren't being
careful. They go ahead with tremendous optimism and convince people that this
is key to family stability. I worry that it will all
collapse when couples see that it can't be done that way. This isn't like
driver ed." No, but when experts start comparing claims and stats, you
hear the cacophony of rival used-car salesmen. Is it the therapists who need educating? Or is it the
Marriage Ed folks who need therapy? Somewhere there has to be detente between
the clinical remoteness of one group and the evangelical salesmanship of the
other--a middle ground, perhaps even a common ground. "A lot of therapy
is education," says Gottman, "and a lot
of education is therapy." At a time when To keep your marriage brimming, — Reported by Amanda Bower and Deirdre
van Dyk/ |
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Sexual Healing The "sex glow." Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex and
the City trio may be the champions of detecting it,
getting it and keeping it, but you don't need a closetful
of Prada to appreciate the rosy radiance that
follows a pleasant sexual encounter. The fact is,
sex leaves its mark, not just on the mind but on the body as well.
Researchers have begun to explore its effects on almost every part of the
body, from the brain to the heart to the immune system. Studies are showing that arousal and an active sex life
may lead to a longer life, better heart health, an improved ability to ward
off pain, a more robust immune system and even protection against certain
cancers, not to mention lower rates of depression. But finding mechanisms for these benefits and proving
cause and effect are no easy matter. "The associations are out there, so
there has to be an explanation for it," says Dr. Ronald Glaser, director
of the While it is unlikely that oxytocin
alone is responsible for sex's wide-ranging effects on the body, researchers
hope that by tracking the hormone they can expose the network of body systems
affected by sexual activity and identify other biochemical players along the
way. Here's what they have learned so far: --THE HEART OF THE MATTER The strongest case that can be
made for the benefits of sex come from studies of aerobic fitness. The act of
intercourse burns about 200 calories, the equivalent of running vigorously
for 30 minutes. During orgasm, both heart rate and blood pressure typically
double, all under the influence of oxytocin. It
would be logical to conclude that sex, like other aerobic workouts, can
protect against heart disease, but studies in support of this link have yet
to be done. "Can we make the claim that having sex is equal to walking a
mile or bicycling? We don't know," says Robert Friar, a biologist at At least not yet. A study conducted in Wales in the 1980s
showed that men who had sex twice a week or more often experienced half as
many heart attacks after 10 years as men who had intercourse less than once a
month. The trial, however, did not include a parallel group of randomly
chosen control subjects, the scientific gold standard. So it's unclear
whether frequent intercourse was responsible for the lower rate of heart
attacks or whether, for example, the men who were sexually active were
healthier or less prone to heart disease to begin with. More recent research has focused on the hormones dehydroepiandrostone (DHEA) and testosterone, both
important for libido. They have been linked to reducing the risk of heart
disease as well as protecting the heart muscle after an attack. That may
explain why doctors maintain that sex after a heart attack is relatively
safe. --PAIN CONTROL In the 1970s Dr. Beverly Whipple of --HE HEALING POWER OF SEX A trial involving more than 100 college students in 1999
found that the levels of immunoglobulin, a microbe-fighting antibody, in
students who engaged in intercourse once or twice a week were 30% higher than
in those who were abstinent. Curiously, those who had sex more than twice a
week had the same levels as those who were celibate. Could there be an
optimal rate of sexual frequency for keeping the body's defenses strong? Researchers in To find out whether the hormone has the same healing
effect in people, Ohio State's Glaser and his wife Janice Kiecolt-Glaser,
a psychologist at the same institution, are enrolling married couples in an
unorthodox study in which each spouse's arm is blistered and then covered
with a serum-collecting device. Over a 24-hour observation period, the
couples discuss positive aspects of their marriage and mates as well as
points of contention, such as finances or in-laws. The Glasers
will analyze how levels of oxytocin change during
these discussions, along with rates of healing. --A LONG, HAPPY LIFE? It's well known that married folk tend to live longer and
suffer less depression than singles do. But is this because of more frequent
sex, simple companionship or some benign aspect of personality that lends
itself to marriage? Teasing apart such matters is difficult, but sex itself
appears to be factor. A study of 3,500 Scottish men, for example, found a
link between frequent intercourse and greater longevity. A much smaller study
of elderly men found that those who masturbated appeared to experience less
depression than those who did not. In addition, frequent sexual activity has
been tied to lower risk of breast cancer in women and prostate cancer in men,
a relationship that is still not fully understood but may involve some
interaction between oxytocin and the sex hormones
estrogen and testosterone and their roles in cell signaling and cell
division. "Scientifically, it's an exciting time that will lead to a lot
of rethinking and reconceptualizing of human
sexuality," says Dr. John Bancroft, director of the Kinsey Institute. As
the answers come in, the human race may begin to appreciate that the
"sex glow" stays with them a lot longer than they realized. |