Goals and Obstacles

Chapter 3

“Whoever wants to reach a distant

goal must take small steps.”

Saul Bellow, Novelist

Learning Objectives

• Explain the importance of setting goals.

• List the characteristics of well-set goals.

• Distinguish between short-term and long-term goals.

• Cite common obstacles to reaching your goals.

• Recognize the causes and symptoms of stress.

• Describe several strategies for relieving stress.

• Explain ways to deal with anger constructively.

Setting and Achieving Goals

• Goal An outcome you want to achieve and toward which you direct your effort.

• A well-set goal has five characteristics.

Setting Goals continued…

• Short-term Goal A goal with a specific plan of action to accomplish within the coming year.

• Long-term Goal A goal you plan to achieve in the more distant future

Success Secrets

• Be proactive about your goals—only you can make them happen.

• Be specific when setting your goals.

Tying Your Goals Together

• Short-term and long-term goals are equally important.

• Make sure your short-term goals will lead to your long-term goals by setting your long-term goals first. Then think of all the steps necessary to achieve each goal.

• Once you have set your goals, make a commitment to reach them.

Activity 14: Generating Short-Term Goals

Put It On Paper

Norman Vincent Peale, Why Some Positive Thinkers Get Powerful, recommends these strategies:

• Think about where you want to go in life.

• Come to a firm decision about your basic goal.

• Write down your goal in a clear statement.

• Study and learn all you can about your goal.

• Set a time for achieving your goal.

• Make sure your decision about your goal is right.

• Give your goal all your effort and never stop trying.

• Be a positive thinker.

• Once you have achieved one goal, go on to the next.

Personal Journal 3.1 Goal Cards

Overcoming Obstacles

• Obstacle Any barrier that prevents you from achieving your goals.

• Perfectionism The belief that you are only worthwhile if you are perfect.

• Adapting Being flexible to change.

Common Obstacles

• Trying to Please Someone Else

• Not Really Wanting It

• Being a Perfectionist

• Trying to Go it Alone

• Resisting Change

Obstacles continued…

Success Secrets

• Choose your goals to please yourself, not others.

• Keep reminding yourself to stick to your goals.

• Ask for support when you need it.

• Adapt to change.

• Sometimes obstacles are opportunities in disguise.

Activity 15: Anticipating Obstacles

Handling Stress and Anger

• Anything that requires an adaptive response on the part of the person.

• So, stress is inescapable.

• Eustress – positive stress

• Distress – negative stress

• Stressor Anything that causes stress.

It is normal to experience stress when faced with:

• greater demands at school or work

• changes in family relationships

• new financial responsibilities

• changes in your social life

• exposure to new people, ideas, and situations

• uncertainty or shame about sexual identity

• internally generated demands, such as perfectionism, negative self-talk, or chronic worry and anxiety.

Negative Effects of Stress

• Stress negatively affects your physical, psychological, and occupational functioning!

ABC model

Focusing on Your Thoughts

• Worrying is one example of an unproductive way of thinking, because it doesn’t involve any solution to anything, but is mostly a replay of dire and negative possibilities. 80% of what we worry about never happens. Planning for the negative is not the same as worrying about it.

Focusing on Your Language

• The way we speak to ourselves goes a long way to determining how we see and relate to reality. If we say to ourself, “That idiot made me angry” we become the passive recipient of our own emotions, but if we say, “I am angry at that idiot’s behavior,” then we recognize that we are controlling our own emotions.

Self-Talk

• We all have a running commentary in our heads that acts as a buffer between us and the environment, it is often called Self-Talk.

• Self-talk can be reasonable and adaptive or it can become irrational and interfere with our ability to function at a high and healthy level.

Irrational Self-Talk

• There are two broad categories of irrational self-talk:

• 1. Beliefs that other people or the world or something should be different

• 2. Beliefs that your perceptions represent the only reality and not just your particular view of reality.

• Our experience of reality originates in sensory experience which is then elaborated on by our perceptions and cognitions, which then influences our emotions and physiology, which in turn feeds back into our self-talk and the cycle continues.

Common Forms of Irrational Self-Talk

• 1. Statements that catastrophize – giving the worst most horrible interpretation to events in the absence of evidence, but based merely on anxiety filled thinking.

• 2. Statements that are absolutes – these demand that things “should, must, ought, always, or never” be a certain way, and if they are not it is “terrible, intolerable, catastrophic, etc.”

Cognitive Restructuring

• This really means learning to think differently, hopefully more reasonably.

• Here are some common irrational beliefs that can be “restructured.”

• 1. Everyone needs to like you, it is awful if someone dislikes you.

• 2. You must be competent and perfect in all you do.

• 3. Mistakes are sure proof that you are a failure.

• 4. You should never hurt anyone or refuse a request/favor.

• 5. It is horrible if things don’t turn out the way you want all the time.

• 6. You are helpless and have no control over your feelings and experiences.

• 7. You will be rejected if you don’t go to great lengths to please others.

• 8. There is a perfect love and a perfect relationship.

• 9. You shouldn’t have to feel pain, life should always be fair and pleasant.

• 10. Your worth depends on what you achieve and do.

What to do?

• Once a variation of an irrational belief is noticed, the first step is to examine and challenge the validity of that belief with our rational mind.

• 1. Is there reason to think the belief is true?

• 2. Is there evidence that this belief is untrue?

• 3. If I reject this belief, what is the worst that could happen to me?

• 4. If I reject this belief, what good things might happen to me?

New Rational Beliefs

• The next step is to substitute a new more rational belief for the old, irrational one. What are some more rational beliefs we can substitute for these irrational ones?

• 1. Everyone needs to like you, it is awful if someone dislikes you.

• 2. You must be competent and perfect in all you do.

• 3. Mistakes are sure proof that you are a failure.

• 4. You should never hurt anyone or refuse a request/favor.

• 5. It is horrible if things don’t turn out the way you want all the time.

• 6. You are helpless and have no control over your feelings and experiences.

• 7. You will be rejected if you don’t go to great lengths to please others.

• 8. There is a perfect love and a perfect relationship.

• 9. You shouldn’t have to feel pain, life should always be fair and pleasant.

• 10. Your worth depends on what you achieve and do.

Symptoms of Stress

• Stress triggers a response from your autonomic nervous system (ANS) that monitors and controls most involuntary functions, including heartbeat and sweating.

• Psychological and physical stress symptoms may include: fatigue, irritability, impatience, anger, muscle tension, insomnia, loss of appetite, ulcers, high blood pressure, coronary disease and cancer.

Activity 16: How Stressed Are You?

Stress Management

• Escape Response A behavior that helps you get your mind off your troubles.

Positive Response You act in a way that does not harm you or add to the problem.

Negative Response Activities that may make you feel better for a while, but actually increase your stress levels include overeating, drinking, drug abuse, avoiding responsibilities, and denial--refusing to face painful thoughts and feelings.

Success Secret

• Share your stress feelings with a trusted family member, friend, instructor, or advisor.

Stress Management 1

• Coping Skills Behaviors that help you deal with stress and other unpleasant situations which may include:

• Daily Relaxation –meditation, music, watching nature, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.

• The Magic in Breathing

• Active Relaxation vs. Passive Relaxation

• Breathe from Your Diaphragm

• Practice is Essential

• Daily Exercise – walking, running, aerobics, yoga, any physical activity that helps you release tension.

• Balanced Diet –high fiber, low fat, minimize salt, sugar, caffeine and alcohol intake. Be cautious of fad diets, high-energy foods and quick-fix alternatives to nutrition.

Stress Management 2

• Sleep –regularly get at least seven hours of complete rest.

• Mental Discipline –meditation, biofeedback, self-hypnosis, martial arts, advanced yoga, tai’chi, ballet, etc.

• Self-Esteem –positive self-talk, reflection on accomplishments.

• Relationships –establish a trust-worthy support network.

• Time Management –set priorities, make a time schedule.

• Mental Stimulation –keep learning!

• Recreation –engage in hobbies, sports, leisure activities.

Stress Management 3

• Spirituality –reaffirm values, meditation, prayer, etc.

• Reality Check –when stress hits, stop, assess the situation. Am I overreacting?

• Laugh It Off –keep your sense of humor!

• Clarity –periodically review your dreams and goals. Remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing.

Success Secret

• Make time for relaxation every day.

Personal Journal 3.2 Stress Management Techniques

Activity 17: Personal Stressors and Relievers

Personal Journal 3.3 Stress Relief Reminders

Anger and Responses to Anger

• Anger A strong feeling of displeasure, resentment and hostility that results from frustration. Examples?

• Aggression Behavior intended to harm or injure a person or object. Examples?

• Passive-Aggression Indirect, disguised aggression toward others. Examples?

Success Secrets

• Figure out what makes you angry—and why?

• Express your emotions calmly and with reason.

Coping With Anger

• You can’t control every situation that causes you to feel angry.

• You can control your anger and make a conscious effort to use your energy to come up with solutions to the problem that caused the anger.

• Anger is a trigger for your body that releases adrenaline and cortisol, which working together weaken your immune system. Every time you get angry it hurts your health.

Healing Anger Constructively

• Sandy Livingstone, Dealing With Anger.

Anger arises when we perceive that something might happen to: frighten us, hurt us, threaten us, make us feel powerless.

Personal Journal 3.4 Anger Triggers

• Take Positive Action

It is possible that the problem lies in how you are looking at others.

Work out the current situation without bringing up past issues or other conflicts.

Healing Anger continued…

Try Assertiveness Stand up for your rights without

violating the rights of others.

Examples:

• Deal with minor irritations before they become anger-triggering

• situations.

• Ask for help when you need it.

• Say “no” to unreasonable requests.

• Speak up if you are not being treated the way you want to be treated.

• Be open to positive, constructive criticism and suggestions.

• Use calm body language and maintain good eye contact.

• Practice active listening: showing a desire to listen, being attentive to the other person’s words and body language.

Success Secret

• Change what you can and accept what you can’t.