Self-Esteem
Chapter 4
Allow
yourself to fail and you
will be more likely to succeed.
Edward
Deci, Psychologist
Learning Objectives
Define
self-esteem and explain its importance.
Describe
how childhood experiences affect self-esteem.
Define
self-expectancy and explain two ways to boost it.
Explain
why self-acceptance is important for high self-esteem.
Explain
how to change negative self-talk into positive self-talk.
Explain
how to handle criticism well.
What do you think self-worth is based on?
Nothing it is your right, it should be
based on recognition that your worth is independent of your achievements, just
because you are a unique human being.
The Power of Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem Confidence
in and respect for yourself.
Anxiety Generalized
feeling of worry and nervousness that does not have any specific cause.
Effects of High Self-Esteem:
accept your strengths and weaknesses
express your true thoughts and feelings
establish emotional connections to other people
give and receive compliments
give and receive affection
try out new ideas and experiences
express your creativity
stand up for yourself
handle stress and anger calmly
see the future with optimism
Effects of Low Self-Esteem:
mistrust other people
have difficulty developing intimate relationships
fear mistakes and have trouble making decisions
criticize themselves relentlessly, but have
difficulty handling criticism from others
anticipate problems, crises, and failure
ignore their own needs
give in to unreasonable requests
dislike being the center of attention
withhold their true thoughts and feelings from others
live in fear of rejection and disapproval
worry about being a burden on others
feel they lack control of their lives
miss out on the joy of life
Activity
18: Test Your Self-Esteem
Childhood Origins of Self-Esteem
Parental behavior
More expressions of affection during
childhood
Greater parental interest in childs
activities
More accepting of their children
Sound, consistent discipline
Parents own self-esteem
Relatively high
Parenting Styles
Two major dimensions
underlie parental behavior:
Parental Acceptance: influences the degree to which children
internalize the standards and expectations of their parents
Parental Control: strictness of parental standards
Dimensions of
Child-Rearing
FOUR PARENTING STYLES
Authoritative: high acceptance, high control
Authoritarian: low acceptance, high control
Permissive: High acceptance, low control
Neglectful: Low acceptance, low control
Dimensions of
Child-Rearing
AUTHORITATIVE
Set high
goals
Accepting
of children
Responsive
to their needs
Encourage
verbal give-and-take
Allow
questioning of parental requests
Provide
age-appropriate explanations
Dimensions of
Child-Rearing
AUTHORITARIAN
Highly
demanding & controlling
Use of
physical punishment or threat
Issue
commands, to be obeyed without questioning
Maintain
tight control, even as children mature
Emotionally
distant
Rejecting
Dimensions of
Child-Rearing
PERMISSIVE
Few or
no demands
Allow
children free expression of impulses
Set few
limits on appropriate behavior
Responsive
Warmly
accepting
Indulge
their childrens desires
Dimensions of
Child-Rearing
NEGELCTFUL
Provide
basic physical & emotional needs, but little else
Convey
the impression that they do not particularly care about their children
Uninvolved
Unsupportive
Minimal
supervision
Little
time spent together
Effects of Parenting Styles
Parenting styles are
associated with different personality traits in children
Data are
correlational and does not establish that the parenting style is the cause of
the childrens behavior; the direction of influence most likely goes both ways.
Effects of Parenting Styles
AUTHORITATIVE
MOST
POSITIVE OUTCOMES:
Self-reliant
Friendly
Cooperative
Self-Controlled
Coping
skills
Curious
Achievement-oriented
Effects of Parenting Styles
AUTHORITARIAN
Low
self-esteem
Poor
social skills
Conflicted
& irritable
Fearful
& Apprehensive
Moody
& Unhappy
Easily
annoyed
Passively
hostile
Prone to
stress
Aimless
Unfriendly
Effects of Parenting Styles
PERMISSIVE
Impulsive
& aggressive
Easily
frustrated
Rebellious
Low in
self-reliance & self-control
Domineering
Aimless
Low in
achievement
Effects of Parenting Styles
NEGELCTFUL
Low
self-esteem
Moody
Impulsive
Aggressive
Toward Effective Parenting
There are five basic
principles which should be tailored to the age and developmental level of a
specific child
Toward Effective Parenting
1: Set high, but reasonable
standards
Expect behavior that is socially & age
appropriate
Expect their full potential in school &
other activities
Parents who do not expect much from their
children are teaching them not to expect much from themselves
Toward Effective Parenting
2:
Stay alert for good behavior & reward it
Praise good behavior so your child knows
what you want
Most parents pay attention to misbehavior
and ignore good behavior, which is a backward approach
Toward Effective Parenting
3: Explain your reasons when
you ask a child
to do something
Explain the purpose of your request
Can make an illogical demand seem more like
a reasonable request
Encourages self-control in a child
Toward Effective Parenting
4: Encourage children to take
others perspectives
Talk to children about the effects of their
behavior on others
How would you feel if someone did that to
you?
Promotes empathy and moral development
Toward Effective Parenting
5: Enforce rules consistently
Be clear of what you expect from them
There must be consequences when standards
are not met
Fosters self-control in children
Using Punishment
Effectively
To use punishment effectively, it should be used less often
Side
Effects of Punishment:
Triggers strong negative
emotional responses, such as anxiety, fear, anger and resentment, which can
lead to hostility
Can create a general
suppression of behavior, where a child will withdraw and inhibit themselves
from any behavior for fear of punishment
May increase aggressive
behavior when a child subdued to frequent physical punishment
Using Punishment
Effectively
Though punishment may be overused, it still
plays a role in disciplinary efforts
There are five guidelines which summarize
research in using punishment effectively while minimizing its side effects
Using Punishment
Effectively
1: Punishment should not
damage a childs self-esteem
Punishment should send the message: the
behavior is undesirable, not the child
No harsh physical punishment, derogatory
accusations, or hurtful words
Using Punishment
Effectively
2: Punishment should be swift
A delay undermines its impact
Wait until your father gets home
Quick punishment demonstrates the connection
between forbidden behavior and its consequences
Using Punishment
Effectively
3: Punishment should be
consistent
To eliminate undesirable behavior, it should
be punished every time it arises
Inconsistency creates confusion
Using Punishment
Effectively
4: Punishment should be
explained
The reason for punishment should be
explained as fully as possible
The more understanding a child has about the
reason for their punishment, the more effective the punishment tends to be
These authoritative-style explanations helps
a child develop self-control
Using Punishment
Effectively
5: Point out alternative,
positive ways to behave and reinforce those actions
Dont simply tell a child what NOT to do
Punish undesirable behaviors, but reward
positive, alternative ones
Troublesome behaviors are often
attention-seeking devices
Provide a child with more acceptable ways to
gain attention
Tough Love
vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so
I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of
'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and
talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away
from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've
included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would
like to use the technique.
This
works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well.
This works
with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well.
Support and Loneliness
Shyness Anxiety in social
situations that comes from worrying about what others think about you.
Loneliness Sadness about
being alone.
Social Support Words and
actions from other people that help you feel valued, cared for and connected to
a community.
Emotional Support: trust,
empathy, caring, love concern, and unconditional approval.
Instrumental Support: time,
advice, information, money and labor.
Activity
19: Social Support and Self-Esteem
Raising Your Self-Esteem
Not all successful people grew up feeling good about
themselves. Often, they had to learn to
like themselves through practice.
Self-expectancy The
belief that you are able to achieve what you want out of life.
Personal Journal 4.1 Examining Your Self-Expectancy
Success Secret
If you believe you will be successful at something,
you probably will.
Guidelines for Increasing Self-Esteem:
Recognize
that you control your self- image
Learn
more about yourself
Dont
let others set your goals
Recognize
unrealistic goals
Modify
negative self-talk
Emphasize
your strengths
Approach
others with a positive outlook
Recognize that You Control
Your Self- Image:
Ψ
You ultimately control how you see yourself
Ψ
You do have the power to change your self-image
Ψ
Your self-image resides in your mind and is a product of your thinking
Ψ
Although others may influence your self-concept, you are the final authority.
Learn About Yourself
Having accurate information about your
qualities is essential to self-definition and self-esteem.
Dont let others set your
goals:
Make your own decisions about what you will
do and what you believe in.
Recognize unrealistic goals:
§
Recognize reality so that you do
not condemn yourself for failure.
§
Compare yourself against similar others so that you do not hurt your
self-esteem
Modify
Negative Self-Talk:
ΨAlways take credit for your successes and consider
the possibility that your failures may not be your fault.
ΨStop irrational thinking and negative self-talk
before they breed poor self-esteem.
Emphasize your strengths:
ΨEveryone has strengths and weaknesses.
ΨYou should accept those weaknesses that you are
powerless to change and work on those that you can change, without becoming
obsessed about it.
ΨAt the same time, you should recognize your
strengths and learn to appreciate them.
Approach others with
a positive outlook:
§
Facilitate your esteem building efforts by engaging in a positive
outlook towards others.
§
Approaching people with a positive, supportive outlook will promote
rewarding interactions and help you earn their acceptance.
§
At the same time, your self-esteem will be enhanced.
The National Association for Self-Esteem (NASE)
v NASE believes that
self-esteem is The experience of being capable of meeting lifes challenges
and being worthy of happiness.
v Mission Statement: To fully
integrate self-esteem into the fabric of American society so that every
individual, no matter what their age or background, experiences personal worth
and happiness.
Helpful Self-Esteem Links:
Building
Self-Esteem:
The
Bright Side:
Building Your Self-Expectancy
Create Successful Experiences Set and accomplish a
serious of increasingly challenging goals.
SMART goals example, public speaking skills:
Join in class discussion once per week.
Join in class discussion three times per week.
Join in class discussion daily.
Participate in semester-end group presentation in
class.
Give solo presentation at club meeting next quarter.
Give speech at school meeting at end of school year.
Activity
20: Accomplishment Inventory.
Coping and Avoidance
Coping Facing up to
uncomfortable situations.
Avoidance Unwillingness to
face uncomfortable
situations or
psychological realities.
Common Avoidance Behaviors
Self-criticism
Making jokes about the situation
Becoming obsessed with work to avoid thinking about
the problem
Escaping through activities such as shopping, TV, or
sleeping
Venting unpleasant feelings without taking action
Abusing alcohol or other drugs
Success Secret
When you face your problems head-on, your self-esteem
grows.
Personal
Journal 4.2 Learning to Cope
Learning to Like Yourself
You, Flaws and All
Self-Acceptance Recognition
and acceptance of what is true about yourself.
Mending a Negative-Self Image
Take a Personal Self-Inventory
Activity 21: Personal Inventory
Accept Your Physical Self
People
who accept themselves are attractive to others. Their healthy self-esteem comes
through from the inside out.
Mending a
Negative-Self Image continued
Youre Okay As You Are Now.
You cant change your
genetics, or go back in time and grow up in a different environment.
Kick the Comparing Habit
Personal Journal 4.3 Social Comparison Log
Possible Selves
The person(s) you think
you might realistically become in the future.
Personal
Journal 4.4. Your Ideal Self
Self-Talk
Self-Talk What you say or
think to yourself about yourself.
Inner Critic The critical
voice that bombards you with negative self-talk. Origins of the critic are negative messages
you were given as a child.
Role of the Critic Your inner
critic hurts your self-esteem by repeating negative messages from your past.
Labels A particularly
damaging form of self-talk. Examples?
Activity 22:
Negative Self-Talk Log
Success Secret
Learn to stop the inner critic in its tracks.
Monitoring Negative Self-Talk
Stop Those Thoughts! Catch
yourself whenever you engage in negative self-talk.
Focus Your Subconscious Mind on the Positive Example: Say, I feel awake! rather than I
dont feel tired.
Use Affirmations Use positive self-statements that help you think of
yourself in a positive, caring way.
Examples?
Success Secret
Turn your negative self-statements into positive
affirmations.
Criticism and Self-Esteem
Criticism Any remark that
contains a judgment or evaluation.
Constructive Criticism Addresses
specific behavior, does not attack you as a person, usually makes mention of
positive points, and offers helpful suggestions for improvement.
Destructive Criticism Usually an
entirely negative opinion without any helpful suggestions to do things
differently.
Ineffective Styles of Handling
Destructive Criticism
Aggressive Style
Critic: You painted that? It looks like
a three-year-old did it.
You: You just cant keep your mouth
shut, can you?
Passive Style--very damaging to your self-esteem.
Critic: You did a terrible job on this
report.
You: Youre right. Im sorry I let
you down.
Passive-Aggressive Style
Critic: You look like youve put on
weight.
You: I know. Youre probably
embarrassed to be seen in public
with me. Then accidentally
spills coffee on the critics shirt.
PROBING
Asking for specifics from a person who has given a general or vague
criticism.
Critic: I dont know how you get
through life being so lazy.
You: Can you give me an example of
my laziness?
Critic: For one thing, you spend all
weekend watching TV.
Critic: You messed up all the files
when you reorganized the office.
You: How exactly did I mess up the
files?
Critic: Nothing is in alphabetical
order anymore.
Critic: Youre a slob.
You: What makes you think of me as a
slob?
Critic: Just look at that sink
overflowing with dishes.
Handling Destructive Criticism
Acknowledge Facts Agree
with the specific part of the criticism that you can honestly acknowledge to be
true. This ends the criticism.
Critic: Youre so lazy. You spend all
weekend watching TV.
You: Youre right, I spend a lot of
time watching TV on the
weekends, but that doesnt mean Im
lazy.
Acknowledge Feelings If you truly cannot find
anything to agree within the criticism, show the critic that you recognize the
feelings that are motivating the criticism. This ends the criticism.
Critic: Youre a slob. Look at that
sink overflowing with dishes.
You: I know you hate to leave dirty
dishes in the sink. However, I
like to let them pile up and then do them
all at once.
Responding to Constructive Criticism
Assertiveness
Handling criticism well requires
the ability to stand
up for your rights without
threatening the self-esteem
of the other person.
Success Secrets
You have the right to be treated with respect.
When you make assertiveness a habit, you increase
others self-esteem for you and your esteem for others.
Constructive criticism helps you improve yourself.
Listen to constructive criticism, restate it, and
then ask for suggestions.